Movie Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I regret, dear readers, that I in fact have little at all to say about this movie. It was assuredly as epic as one could hope from an Indiana Jones movie (at least in terms of fight scenes), but the film was precariously lite fare when it came to actual fact and legend. I've always found that the premise of Indiana Jones movies were appealing because they were based on legends and facts that people already knew about. There was a sense of mystery, of solving a case along with the Jones' which made the discovery of some ancient artifact so enthralling.

This movie poster suffers from a case of the RANDOM.
A little less Shia LaBoeuf, a little more Harrison Ford naked, please.
This is not entirely outside the realm of possibility.

I have my doubts that anyone would consider a giant magnetic crystal skull to be part of anyone's local mythology. I won't spoil the plot for you, but there's alternate dimensions involved. I think alternate dimensions are better left for Star Trek plots to grapple with than dear Dr. Jones.

I present to you now, a list of ridiculous things some of which may be included in this movie. See if you can pick out which are actually plot points, and which are not in the movie at all. Then go see for yourself. Because a strange movie is best shared with friends afterall.

What the hell is all THAT doing in my movie?!
Jeez, do I at least get to make out with a hottie??
She's 50?!? What did I ever do to you, Mr. Lucas? Go throw yourself to the ants.

Do try to determine which of these are ACTUALLY IN IJatKotCS (that is one messed up title):

Man-eating ants, capoeira, improbably-hidden Mayans, book-learning, motorcycles, submarines, the invention of the computer, annoying prodigies, the KGB, Psychics, Psychos, magnetic gunpowder, interdimensional portals, combinatorics, death-waterfalls, crazy old men, crazy old women, color-coded sea anemones, swarms of killer bees, Bea Arthur being killed, non-quick sand/lightning sand?, a Sicilian when death is on the line, public humiliation of the educational system, Roswell, Yale, Maui, poetry no one's ever heard of, ponchos, fencing, tarzan-like tree-swinging, monkey connections, atomic bombs, Harrison Ford . . . nekkid, fierce enjoyment of sexual relations with a woman.

(Note: I'll give you a sad truth here which partially answers the above question. The truth of the matter is that the film does not imply any sort of current sexual relation between Indy and any other character. I suppose in his old age, Indy just stopped gettin' it on.)